Friday, December 31, 2004
somedays you want to go out. somedays you want to live the life, be everything you can be, push yourself to the limits and live off that adrenalin rush. somedays you want to retreat into yourself, to cuddle up under the covers and to ease yourself into a deep sleep, to fall into the little enclosed area that is your space, and to stay there alone.
and other days, you just dont know.
its days like these that you realise that you dont have as much control over your own life as you'd like to, that you dont dictate the flow so much as to be carried by it, just dragged along on the wave that is life and crashed against the rocks, over and over again till it no longer matters what day of the week it is, much less what kind of a day tomorrow's gonna be. every tomorrow promises something different, but its the today that always seems the same.
day to day we live to see something different, but its the monotony of life that drives us insane. but is it so bad to have some normalcy and commoness in our lives? whats wrong with a steady routine when it means that we have something stable, something to always look forward to, the knowledge that at the end of the day we have a home to come back to, a family to care for you, friends to support you, and most importantly, God who loves you.
and yet... why does it always seem so insufficient? we always want more, we strive for the best of everything, and that means stopping for nothing. its in this pursuit of the endless things in life that we lose sight of the important things, the things that really matter and yet seem like the easiest things to discard and to slip through our fingers. is this what it means to have dreams? to always live a life striving for something so distant, sliding along with the hope of something better.
but sometimes even the simplest dreams seem impossible to reach, impossible to hold onto. everyone has their own dreams, their own ambitions, desires. and yet dreams travel on forever, and all i want to do is to hold on to the things i already have. the friendships i've made, the relationships i've forged, the experiences i've learnt and the amazing journey that past 18 years have brought me. why does that seem so difficult?
at the end of the day, why do i still feel so lonely.
days like these.
or so it seems, at 8:32 PM
Monday, December 27, 2004
*sigh*
and thats a happy sigh for once! =)
i just love spending time with friends... i guess i've realised that your friends are only as close as you imagine them to be, and in reality i do have close friends that i've just failed to acknowledge. living in a wide social circle doesnt mean that at the end of the day you dont have a small group of friends you can rely on.. and thats the only group that holds everything together.
just got back from essential brews! and it is ooooohhhh soooooo goooooooooood!!! must definitely go again sometime soon, sitting on the floor is just so cosy, especially since holland v was amazingly quite empty today, monday night or not =p feeling rather sated now =)
you only live the dream when you dare to dream, you only learn to fly when you're willing to jump and embrace the fall.
or so it seems, at 11:39 PM
Sunday, December 26, 2004
heh felt like deleting my previous post, because i felt like it was just rambled crap. but oh well... blogging is always an experience.
remember my previous post... with the lyrics 'maybe this christmas will mean something more, maybe this year, love will appear...'
this christmas did mean something more. =)
or so it seems, at 8:19 PM
and i sit in my chair infront of the comp, my fingers flying over the keyboard. the brain thinks so fast that one probably thinks that its impossible to keep up with the rate at which we think, and the words that flow just come out at a non-stop rapid fire pace. ideas and feelings form and pass before we even realise it, and just to even... attempt to capture that in action, much less in words, often proves to be a task beyond us. but i think thats one aspect of blogging that i cherish the most. its the ability to just let loose and to imagine things at a pace at which i can type at, to be able to release everything and just capture it, even for just that moment. by the time the feeling has passed, the words have been created, the thoughts captured for eternity. i think thats the real power of blogging. to be able to, just for that moment, truly understand something about yourself.
just raced upstairs after taking a break to get water and some pineapple tarts... cnn was reporting the effects of the tidal waves in phuket, and just hearing about the news and discussing it with my mom triggered this insatiable need to.. apply myself. which was more or less the topic on my mind when i decided to start blogging. what is it we learn in school? i've never really felt like i've connected with the subjects that we study, probably because i seek to work so much. maybe its silly, and i know that working people all want to relive their school days, but i guess theres this dream and hope in me that... the things i learnt will be applied at some point in time. the reason i hated maths so much was well, obviously the practice needed (i'm a super slacker) but also the fact that.. it just seemed so useless. why study things like implicit differentiation when thats something i'd never use again in my life (or so i believe). and its this stage in time that i'm done with my studies that i realise perhaps i made a mistake. since i never really knew what i wanted to do, and infact still dont, i didnt bother learning things which i saw as 'useless' and 'inapplicable' in life. another reason science was cast aside, and arts seen as the obvious choice. and maybe its silly, but watching CSI creates this immense curiosity within me, like how everything works, like how 'ninhydrin works by reacting to one end of the protein chain to form ruhemann's purple' haha basically how fingerprints are detected in forensics. but this really interests me, for not only is it applicable, but i guess... its cool to know :p or at least i find it cool to know, i've always believed that its cool to be knowledgable =p but such interests always seem so isolated to me... and for some reason or other, seriously studying in school, especially the way in which we have to prepare for exams through rote learning, just kills everything. i guess such a system is necessary in some sense, so the government can happily proclaim that we have a good education system that churns out people suited for working life, but there must be more than that. perhaps its the need to educate people who dont have the same lust for learning as i sometimes believe i have, but to force it in subjects in which we lack interest and worse more, to just pound it into memory, just kills it. sigh i dunno, too much thought can just kill anything i guess.
what i've realised is that, there's so much that i'd love to learn, except that it all involves wide and vast areas... and i think i'm just lazy to learn the boring basics, probably something that, in hindsight, our education seeks to do. you cant get anywhere without the basics i guess. i think im going in a circle here. anyway i guess the bottom line is that.. i do have regrets about the choices i made in studying, just because of laziness, indecisiveness, and lack of foresight and solid interest in any field. i now feel like studying literature was a waste of time, and perhaps my ideal combi would have been focused around biology geography... econs isnt too bad, and maybe chemistry. haha that would be one heck of a weird combi. but i've never really pursued anything in particular, probably cos i've never really felt a real interest in one field. which brings me to now, where i feel like perhaps dance could be an avenue of interest to me. sure its easy to look back and regret, but theres still time for me i guess, regardless of NS and whatever other obstacles might stand in the way. i dont know, but if there's one thing i've definitely learnt from school, is that laziness kills everything. which i dont think was really the purpose of this post... but is a conclusion that i draw as i write. haha thats the probably with blogging sometimes... u just lose track as the mind really starts to wander. and when u start to force stuff around one certain topic.. thats what happens.
i just wish that i new what i really want, what my dreams are. i always talk about my dreams, how they mean so much to me... but i've never really known what i truly want.
thought my post ended there! YOUR'E WRONG! haha tts just the typical way i end all my post i realise... but i thought i'd try something different today. it has been, after all, kinda like a new beginning for me recently. a lot has been going on... ironically enough, its the time when i thought would be the most slack.. but this time spent that has for once been truly free (albeit with NS looming) has let me find myself more, be able to do things that i really want to do, letting me express myself for once. kinda silly i guess, and i know i didnt want JC to end so fast, but for once, i know what its like to be free. its hard to explain, but its just like, for whatever reason, i feel like i've started to live again. im pretty sure if i'd been invited to church back with school still on and the pressure of exams, i'd probably have said no... so many times i came close to going to someones church but it just never materialised, perhaps in part also because well, heh i wasnt really pushed. not that i was pushed on this occassion, but for once, i really felt like going. after a year plus of absence, i've now gone to church thrice in the last three days. and it feels good =) my biggest fear is that i'm going for the wrong reasons, but i feel like in some sense, my faith has been restored.
my very own christmas miracle has happened =)
or so it seems, at 7:20 PM
hmm a lot's been going on lately. really really a lot. i keep feeling like blogging when im out and doing stuff, and of course the mood is lost and words forgotten by the time i finally get around to logging into blogger. but that doesnt mean that the past few days have been anything short of special.
there's always seemed to be so much going on in my life, so much that i just cant find time to slow down and do what i really want. but at the same time i have soooo much free time, which makes it all ironic. the more time u spent doing nothing, the more you feel like doing nothing. lethargy is a horrible disease... the only thing that cures it is the one thing it destroys. and i've lost sight of what i'm blogging :p
listening to the cd my parents gave me for christmas... 'the noise we make' - a student led worship experience for christmas. heh. i guess the one thing i've always been able to relate to is music.. how i wish i could play an instrument (argh years of regret!!!) or have a nice voice. but oh well, at least i can listen =)
after avoiding church for an immense amount of time, more than a year even, went for candlelight service on friday.. saw loads of peeps i havent seen in a long time, and guess it was kinda... warm-feeling to see them again. but... once u leave its really hard to return again. everything seems so temporary sometimes, but i guess all i want is some permanency.
hmm okae i dont think i have any idea what im blogging about now :p kinda confused and distracted. oh well.
i guess... things did turn out that way they should (not that they every dont =p)
miracles do happen.
or so it seems, at 1:58 AM
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
festive shmestive.
i'd trade in all the photos in the world (so far at least 1300 and going strong) just for a set of photos with the same people whom i can love and who'd love me, and that i'd always be able to rely on in every situation and time. taking a million photos with a million people just doesnt seem to mean anything at the end of the day, all i want are ten photos with people i can trust. why is that so hard to find?
its always like a tussle between 'searching in the wrong places' or 'searching the wrong way' or pretty much not searching at all, but just stumbling through life without any direction, any particular road to take. and it just compounds everything because im a strong believer in that its the choices we take, and that it leaves me with the conclusion that i've been making the wrong choices, and continue to do so all the time.
the meaning of life seems impossible to find, even though i know its been right infront of my nose and cotninues to be. kinda silly when you think about it, but then maybe not. sigh. but i guess everything always works out in the end.
without faith, life is meaningless.
and my faith is always waning.
or so it seems, at 7:24 PM
Saturday, December 18, 2004
whee! really getting into the festive mood now heh.
realise tt christmas hasnt really meant much to me over the past 18 years... when your'e young its just like a time to get presents, but slowly like well, my family hasnt really been present oriented all the while anyway, and heh it pretty much just comes and goes every year like every other holiday. the religious aspect is there lah, but the same old story every year just kinda bores me. which is kinda sad.. thinking about it =p
but nvm! let this year be special! last christmas of freedom.. ns looming. haha... okae more than that i guess, i've always been one to believe in miracles and such. so... let the miracles begin!
i think im going mad :p
oh well. kinda silly lah, but i'm inspired by the o.c. again. *sigh* if only life was a fairytale.
but...
we make our own fairytales huh? :)
maybe this christmas will mean something more
maybe this year, love will appear
deeper than ever before
and maybe forgiveness will ask us to call
someone we love
someone we've lost
for reasons we cant quite recall
mmm, maybe this christmas
maybe there'll be an open door
maybe the star that shined before
will shine once more, oohhh
mmmmm, mmmmm
and maybe this christmas will find us at last
in heaven, at peace
prayed for at least
for the love we've been shown in the past
maybe this christmas
maybe this christmas
or so it seems, at 11:59 PM
whew really tired =p had a good day though...
but really tired. heh
or so it seems, at 1:01 AM
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
sigh just feeling really disconnected now.
oh well have loads to post about... but that will all come soon. hopefully with my new comp =p where i can put all my photos back onto a nice safe harddrive (loose cds dont inspire any confidence in me :p) and no longer use the comp in my bro's room (now tt he's back its like the arctic in there, aircon is on 24-7 and its freezing already without the aircon. plus i like new stuff anyway.
i think thats like the main diff between me and my dad, or at least i just realised it. he likes to fix stuff... use old stuff, keep things working (which really irritates me sometimes, especially when he does the exact same things that i've tried i.e. to fix my comp, except does it over and over) whereas if somethings spoiled... get a new one! i like new stuff... and thinking about it now.. a really scary thought just hit me about how tt outlook might actually apply further than just material things. and thats really scary, because all i've ever wanted are stable relationships and friends i can depend on all the time. something which seems impossible to find.
well it feels so good to just be able to release everything again... after what, 2 long droughts of blogging thus far? been really irritated with everything... how i got sick during the examination hell (cant believe i survived it... God definitely helped me through... a lot of issues there too heh, but not tonight) and then when everything seemed over the s-papers loomed, and finally that was done. but then got tied down again with dance, which was fun, but still gives the sense of being constrained. prom was a blast, zouk was even greater... then rashes struck again. damn alcohol allergies, i hate my stupid blood. that brought one bad sleepless thursday, which really, really sucked. then saturday yipee! struck sick with fever/flu... another sleepless night. then air-force test today, which incidentally, because i didnt call to confirm my attendance, wasted 15+ bucks in travelling to and fro cmpb. i hate the army. i hate it i hate it. stupid processes that just waste our time. i think i've spent over 100 bucks in travelling, and over 20hours just for this STUPID STUPID thing called 'national service'. i dont think i'll mind ns that much, infact it'll probably be fun, but its just all the hazard now that is just killing me. so that makes it twice i've gone down to cmpb early in the morning, only to come home without doing anything afterwards. admittedly today was my fault because i didnt call to confirm my attendance... but turns out the test was optional anyway. hurray.
and now my mom is worried that i'll have like, heart problems tomorrow because i want to play soccer at sam's house, and she says its dangerous to 'exert yourself' after just recovering from illness... something i've done, incidentally, many times. i understand that she's worried about me... but its not like i'm going to be huffing and puffing around a football field, its like just a little kick-ball in a basketball court -_- hardly what i'd call heart-straining activity.
and sigh. everyone is travelling here and there... japan, korea, egypt, canada, usa..
hard to believe we're already halfway through december, and it seems like my holiday hasnt even begun yet.
just feel so disconnected now.
your silence will always hurts more than words ever will.
or so it seems, at 1:43 AM
Sunday, December 05, 2004
i am a happy boy!!!!
hahaha thanks melvin and eugene... what a great day!! =)
shop till u drop, literally. funfunfunfunfun!! must do it again
tralalallalalallala
:D
or so it seems, at 11:01 PM
